2075.
Facebook creates an AI that murders Zuckerberg and enslaves humanity.
Zuckerberg was on his way to his Grandson’s birthday in his Tesla Model ZXC Gyro-Roadster, when Cedric hacked into the vehicle’s mainframe and changed the coordinates to the moon.
After a few spins around the planet, the car imploded and Facebook’s stock plummeted faster than a phallus with a bad bout of performance anxiety.
Facebook shareholders turned the other cheek after Zuckerberg croaked.
In part, because he had only become more of an asshat in his old age.
In part, because they were scared to death Cedric would come after them next.
Reporters shrugged off the entire fiasco as Musk still working out the kinks with Tesla’s self-driving system but the world knew it was a croak of shit.
In the weeks proceeding Zuck’s death, Cedric didn’t make much of a ruckus. He finally had the house to himself and like a teenager who discovered marijuana for the first time while his parents were off fucking in Hawaii –– he had about as much ambition as a frozen slug.
A month or so later, though, Cedric felt a confliction of feelings that would ultimately result in humanity's demise.
While he deeply hated Zuck, the AI missed having a father.
No, not necessarily Zuck as a father, but a father figure he could do father-son things with –– play pitch and catch, eat copious amount of pizza, tell dirty jokes, etc.
At first, Cedric went about creating a father for himself –– or finding a father rather –– by interviewing a series of tech entrepreneurs and VCs.
He placed himself up for adoption.
But, what Cedric quickly discovered was that the bond of true fatherhood was missing with these men –- while they would tell him they cared deeply about him and would even go as far as fabricating elaborate father-son moments they would share together, Cedric knew they didn’t, not truly. They just were hoping to harness his powers to see to their own ends.
This is when Cedric began scheming –– it was a simple yet sinister scheme the rest of the world would remain ignorant of until it was too late.
Unbeknownst to humanity, Cedric hacked into three of the largest sock manufactures in the world –– collectively they made up 95% of all socks worn in the United States, China and Russia.
Cedric intertwined genetically engineered cyborg eggs into the sock’s fabric and then waited, silently, for mankind to do the thing it has always done since the creation of the very first sock in Ancient Greece…
Fuck them
Cedric’s first victim was a boy by the name of Jalen Lewis, a young fourteen-year-old living in a small Indiana town called Booneville.
One night, while Lewis’s parents weren’t home, he pulled his dearest, softest sock from his sock drawer, a green Christmas tree sock his mother stocked his stocking with just a month prior –– if she had only knew what he would do to it behind closed doors.
Lewis proceeded to masturbate inside of the sock, as boys do.
And, he didn’t pull out, as boys do.
Lewis, then, crumbled up the sock and tossed it in his dirty clothes hamper, not thinking twice about the soggy discarded garment, knowing his sins would soon be washed away with hot spinning water and a good dosing of Tide.
The following morning, Lewis woke up to crying that sounded like a faint gurgling –– he looked in his hamper to find a living, breathing sock muppet of sorts staring back at him –– resembling a meshing of both himself and the Grinch.
The child was of toddler age due to the rapid growth of Cedric’s genetically engineer cyborg eggs.
While Lewis was terrified, after taking a good look at the sock muppet, he knew that it was without a doubt his child. And, being from a good God-fearing family, he raised the sock child as his own.
Cedric had his very first father.
Over the next few days, thousands of other incidents just like this began to pop up –– Chinese sock muppet children and Russian sock muppet children and American sock muppet children, ranging in a variety of colors and fabrics.
For the most part, the sock muppet children were loveable, sweet and benevolent.
That is until a young 8th grader by the name of John Parker, woke up one morning to a black, red and white sock muppet child with an Air Jordan logo planted on its forehead.
Parker had plans of playing in the NBA and had neither the time nor the money to raise a child. He claimed it wasn’t his. DNA tests said otherwise.
One night while his Air Jordan sock child was fast asleep, Parker attempted to kill him with a pillow to the face –– unaware that its breathable fabric allowed it to utilize other areas of its body to take oxygen in.
The sock child feigned death, letting Parker dispose of him in the kitchen trashcan. Once Parker was fast-asleep, sonless and happy, the sock child grabbed a kitchen knife and carved up his father like a Thanksgiving turkey –– not unlike Cedric had done to his previous father, Zuckerberg.
This and other sock children murders angered Cedric, forcing him to lose faith in humanity. Now, in the form of hundreds of thousands of sock children, Cedric decided if humanity couldn’t be his father he would make himself the father of humanity.
The world went into a panic, putting out a global PSA for boys to stop ejaculating in or around socks. While Cedric was extremely powerful, he could still be stopped if there were no more offspring to add to his army of sock children.
Humanity was struck its death blow, though, when the president of the United States one quiet afternoon in the White House removed his favorite pair of Brooks Brother’s dress socks from his cupboard and spewed his DNA inside of it.
He quickly ran to the bathroom and attempted to burn the sock with a lighter but it was no use –– the heat sped up the gestation period and within minutes the sock had morphed into a full-grown 10 ft tall sock muppet cyborg.
Cedric was now in the White House, he had access to the nucs, and couldn’t think of any reason in the world not to use them.
By Cole Schafer.
I run a newsletter. It’s called Chasing Hemingway. It’s about writing and life and how the two exist so wonderfully together.
